The Shy Child

Shy children are easily spotted. They are the ones sitting quietly by themselves during lunch, and they barely if ever raise their hand in the classroom.  Parents become exasperated by progress reports stating lack of participation in activities, and needing improvement in classroom discussions.  Parents wonder how they are expected to force their child to be involved in activities and discussions in the first place. After all, they cannot be in the classroom with their kids can they?

Surprisingly most parents with “shy” children say that their child is actually outspoken and lively in the home. These kids are usually quite smart, and do very well on tests. “Why don’t you speak up in class?” Parents ask. “I don’t know.”  kids respond, but that is not entirely true.

Kids know very well why they don’t raise their hand, volunteer in class, or approach others to play. They are clearly paralyzed by the fear of social rejection.  Shy kids have a hard time discussing this fear, and battle against it daily.  They want to shine, express their ideas, and put themselves in the spotlight, but fear being laughed at, rejected, or ignored by others much more. This fear outranks the potential reward of being heard, acknowledged and accepted by others.

Shyness can be genetic, but for the most part is a chosen behavior used to protect oneself. If kids hide from the spotlight, and act shy no one will have the ability to reject them and they feel safe.

The truth is confidence is not something a child is necessarily born with. Confidence is formed through o a series of positive experiences where one has been accepted and given positive reinforcement. It’s this series of positive events that gives a child the neural foundation needed in order to be confident.

So what can be done? One method that never works is forcing children to step into the spotlight without their consent. These forced experiences have a way of reinforcing the negative experiences the kids are trying to avoid, and will only cause trauma for the child.

The key is to encourage your child to just “try.”  To do this, offer these words:

“This could be the one thing you are great at, or you could meet your new best friend!”
 
Once your child hears that there is a possibility of it being a good experience it will coax your child out of the protective shell just for curiosity sake. After all every experience is full of possibility. The more your child believes in the possibility of a good outcome the greater the opportunity for success!
 
If a child decides to try something, whether that be answering a problem on the board, or playing with other kids during recess, and it turns out to be a positive experience, then the child will be more open to trying again. Thus creating a series of positive experiences, and building the foundation of your child’s confidence, and interpersonal success.